A Rainbow Baby With Adult Child Syndrome

November 10, 2025 

Kirsten Rabuck, Author & Substance Abuse Counselor (SAC)

Belinda Morey, Subject Matter Expert

Tom O'Connor, Publisher

Author Kirsten Rabuck, a Substance Abuse Counselor, has been labeled both a 'Rainbow Baby' and an individual with 'Adult Child Syndrome.' Her personal experiences, coupled with her professional knowledge, provide a unique and insightful perspective that she shares with numerous individuals facing similar challenges.

Rainbow Baby

A "rainbow baby" is a child born after a previous pregnancy loss, symbolizing hope and the clearing of an emotional storm of grief and sadness of an earlier loss. Although the term itself can be controversial for some, as the loss does not "clear up" like a storm, it remains a poignant representation of the hope that follows. These two concepts are unrelated, as one describes a child's experience and the other a parent's experience with loss.  

Does a Rainbow Baby Always Have Adult Child Syndrome?

While being a "rainbow baby" can present unique emotional challenges due to the parents' previous loss, it does not predetermine a specific psychological outcome. However, a "rainbow baby" does not automatically have "adult child syndrome."

The emotional health of a "rainbow baby" depends on many factors, including how the parents and family process their grief. Family dynamics and unprocessed trauma are the key factors. It's important to remember that these babies are resilient and can thrive in the right environment, offering a beacon of hope and optimism. 

Potential Challenges for Rainbow Babies

The trauma of a prior pregnancy or infant loss often affects parents' mental health, which can, in turn, impact their parenting and the family dynamics. Parents need to be aware of the potential challenges a rainbow baby may face, such as: 

Anxiety and Fear: Parents who have previously experienced loss often live with anxiety during the subsequent pregnancy and beyond. This fear can be projected onto the new child, causing the child to become more anxious or overly concerned about their health.

Emotional Burden: In some cases, a rainbow baby may grow up feeling an unconscious pressure or expectation to "fill the void" left by the sibling who passed away. They may struggle with feelings of guilt for their existence or feel like they must be "perfect" to maintain their parents' happiness.

Idealization of the Lost Child: If the parents' grief remains unresolved, they may unknowingly idealize the deceased child. This can make the rainbow baby feel like they are in competition with a "ghost" and can create feelings of worthlessness.

Parental Hypervigilance: Parents who have experienced a previous loss may be hypervigilant and overprotective of their rainbow baby. While born from love, this protectiveness can sometimes inhibit the child's independence and emotional development. 

Adult Child Syndrome

Adult child syndrome (ACS) refers to a set of behaviors and struggles in adulthood that stem from a dysfunctional or traumatic childhood. Adults may experience anxiety, perfectionism, difficulty with trust and emotional intimacy, and a tendency to feel overly responsible or ashamed. This can manifest as an inability to make independent decisions, a fear of failure, or struggles with work and relationships. The term was popularized by the organization Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA). 

Adult child syndrome originally referred to the experiences and symptoms of children aged 18 and up who grew up in a home where one or more parents or caregivers suffered from alcohol use disorder. However, it is now used to describe adult children who grew up in any dysfunctional or abusive home. Rather than being alcoholics, the parent(s) might have had a mental health condition such as PTSD, depression, or a personality disorder, like narcissistic personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, or borderline personality disorder. 

According to research on adverse childhood experiences, having a parent with a mental illness or addiction is a primary cause of childhood trauma. A parent's mental health or substance use issues can lead to physical or emotional abuse or neglect of their child(ren). Even responsible and loving parents may be unable to fulfill a child's need for stability and nurturing if they are struggling with their own mental health. Children who grow up in these circumstances are at risk for adult child syndrome. 

How to Prevent Adult Child Syndrome in Rainbow Babies

Parents can take proactive steps to promote a healthy environment and emotional development for their rainbow baby:

Acknowledge and Process Grief: Seek grief counseling or join support groups to address unresolved trauma from the previous loss. Working through grief as parents is a crucial first step to ensuring it does not become a lasting burden on the child. As the "rainbow baby" gets older, talk openly and honestly with them about the sibling who passed away in an age-appropriate way. This open communication is a powerful tool that fosters a sense of connection and understanding within the family, helping to avoid feelings of secrecy or guilt and validating the memory of the lost child.

Communicate Healthy Emotional Expression: This allows the child to understand and process their own feelings, rather than internalizing or suppressing them.

Reinforce their Unique Identity: Celebrate and cherish the rainbow baby for who they are, separate from the sibling(s) who passed away. Ensure they do not feel like a "replacement." 

Parents of rainbow babies may benefit from professional help because pregnancy after a loss can be emotionally complex, involving feelings of both joy and grief. Professional support can provide coping tools and a safe space to process mixed emotions, as well as address potential risks like postpartum depression and anxiety, which are higher after a pregnancy loss. It's common to experience a mix of emotions, including excitement, worry, and sadness, which can be confusing and overwhelming.

This professional help can provide the necessary support and guidance to prevent the development of adult child syndrome in rainbow babies. It's a crucial resource that can make the caregivers feel supported and less alone in their journey, offering a sense of reassurance and comfort. 

Kirsten's Life Story 

My mother's marriage to my father was her second. She had three children in her first marriage. My father had two daughters with my mother. I was my father's first daughter after experiencing two miscarriages, and I am considered a "Rainbow Baby." He was very protective of me and would often leave his stepchildren feeling belittled, rejected, and unheard.  

My mother's openness when she shared with me that she had two miscarriages before I was born is something I am grateful for to this day. I could feel the pain in her eyes when I'd ask her questions such as "What would you have named them?", "Do you think you would have loved them more than you love me?", and "Do you wish they had been here instead of me?" I knew these questions were difficult, and perhaps even unfair for me to ask of her.

However, as a young child, knowing her answers felt vital to understanding myself and my role within the family. She responded to each question with patience, love, and a soft tone. My mother understood that honest and genuine communication was vital, and I will never forget when she shared with me, "I love them even though I never had the opportunity to meet them. I know in my heart that you were meant to be here when God gave me you. I know without a doubt I would never wish to have it any other way." 

This was extremely important for me to hear. It allowed me to view my life as a unique individual who had an opportunity, rather than a burden. However, that isn't to say that throughout my life I haven't struggled with the idea of being the "miracle rainbow baby" from God. 

This idea felt reinforced by my father, who would often process the miscarriages with me as a child. He thought it was vital for me to understand "how much they wanted me" through the experience that he and my mother went through. 

His behavior often exhibited more hypervigilance, which would inhibit my independence and emotional development as a child. An example of this would be that he would limit my older siblings from being able to hold me as a baby as an attempt to "protect" me. Experiences like these have led to long-term ramifications of feeling guilty and ashamed when I am close to others.

When I think of my experience as a "rainbow baby," a vivid image has resided in my mind throughout my life: being "made of glass and put on a mantle." An object in need of protection rather than simply a human.  

Alcoholic Parent

My father had alcoholism. As a result, he was unpredictable, challenging to understand, and untrustworthy. Throughout my childhood, many boundaries and roles were set for me as I withstood his drunken rationalizations, hurtful comments towards other family members, and conversations where a child's insight was not appropriate or needed. 

I became his daughter, friend, confidant, mediator, and coworker as he was a business owner. These enmeshed roles often made me feel hypervigilant and responsible for my father's impact on others. Many moments while working alongside my father in his business were spent managing his addiction and redirecting his behavior toward others. I felt hopeless, terrified, and full of grief surrounding never getting the opportunity to have the father I knew he could be. This fear stemmed from my father's adamant refusal to be honest regarding his episodes of adultery with men within the 20 years of marriage to my mother. 

Interested in reading another ACS story? Follow Kelly Meany's journey here.

Generational Trauma

I studied psychology at a young age to seek an understanding of my father's behavior. And my behavior and reactions to my father's behavior. I learned that Adult Child Syndrome describes adults who struggle with trust, intimacy, and self-esteem due to childhood trauma, which can be a result of generational trauma, where trauma is passed down through parenting styles, behaviors, and even epigenetic changes. 

I found out these individuals may exhibit codependency, unhealthy attachment styles, and difficulty expressing emotions, as they learned to cope with their environments through unhealthy survival skills that become ingrained patterns. Recognizing the connection between past trauma and current struggles is the first step toward breaking the cycle and finding healthier ways to cope and connect with others. 

Adulthood

Today, as a 27-year-old "rainbow baby" with adult child syndrome (ACS), I have found some synchronicities between these experiences. I have sacrificed a lot of time, sanity, and patience in an effort to "understand" myself, my family, and the world around me.

Boundaries have been one of the most essential, yet never-ending, journeys for me. The most significant barrier for me has often been the feelings of guilt, shame, and fear that arise when setting boundaries. 

I have found that speaking out and sharing my voice with honesty to advocate my needs and boundaries is the only thing that allows me not to feel as though I am "made of glass and put on the mantle." 

But rather a human that isn't afraid of sharing my truth due to anxiety and fear of how it may impact or potentially change my relationships with others forever, I get to have the opportunity of living this life, and I do not need to carry or attempt to resolve the anxieties, fears, and shame of others. I am continuing to build trust in myself with consistent action and time. I have learned that I am worthy and grateful to be the version of myself that I would have felt safe with as a child. 

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Kirsten Rabuck is a Substance Abuse Counselor (SAC) who has practiced for over four years in a residential substance disorder treatment environment in Wisconsin. Kirsten is currently working as a Sober Living Coordinator for Women. She is pursuing a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) credential to further her education. Kirsten is also enrolled in a Bachelor of Arts (BA) program in psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh.

Kirsten's email addresses are: kllrabuck@gmail.com or krabuck@apricityservices.com.

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