The Power of Letting Go: Using the "Let Them" Theory in Recovery Coaching
- Wes Arnett
- Oct 16
- 6 min read
October 20, 2025
Wes Arnett, Author & Category Manager of Recovery Coaching, Recovery.com
Tom O'Connor, Publisher
Author Wes Arnett is a Category Manager of Recovery Coaching at Recovery.com, Certified Peer Support Specialist, Certified Parent Peer Support Specialist, CCAR Recovery Coach Professional, and Facilitator. The Power of Letting Go is Wes Arnett's second Vital Voyage Blog article. Wes also serves on our Editorial Advisory Board.
According to Wes Arnett:
The "Let Them" Theory
I was in my seventeen-year-old daughter's room chatting when I noticed a book beside her. "What's 'The Let Them Theory' about, sweetheart?" I asked. Her response… "It's a book my therapist recommended to help me deal with you and mom." Ouch. Naturally, I went to Google to do some research. How did I miss hearing about this wildly popular book by motivational speaker Mel Robbins?
It sounded interesting, though basic and intuitive at its core, but I decided to give it a try. After all, if this book was meant to help my daughter "deal" with me, then maybe I could learn a thing or two as well.
My expectations were low, but I kept an open mind. And you know what? I enjoyed the book and recommend it. "Let Them" is something I think we all have an idea about, and perhaps practice in some form in our daily lives.
"Let Me"
But it was the "Let Me" that sparked new thought patterns within me, especially around trauma I've struggled with. I found the book not only helpful for navigating my day-to-day life but also beneficial as a father, partner, and recovery coach.
For recovery coaches, the innate desire to guide, protect, and even 'fix' can sometimes be overwhelming. Yet, what if the most powerful tool in our arsenal isn't about control, but about release? Enter the 'Let Them' theory. After reading and contemplating the book, this concept, when strategically applied, can profoundly transform recovery coaching. It brings a sense of relief, liberating us from the burden of control and empowering us to foster genuine autonomy, resilience, and sustainable healing for the individuals we serve. This shift in perspective can make us feel more in control and less burdened, ultimately enhancing our effectiveness as recovery coaches.
Understanding the Core of "Let Them" in Recovery
At its core, the "Let Them" theory encourages us to let go of our need to control what we cannot—such as others' choices, opinions, and behaviors—and instead focus on what we can influence: our reactions, actions, and well-being. In recovery, "Let Them" isn't about indifference or abandonment; it's a deep acknowledgment of an individual's ultimate agency in their recovery journey.
Consider these applications:
"Let them choose their recovery pathway, even if it's not the one you initially envisioned." This recognizes that recovery is profoundly personal and varies.
"Let them experience the natural consequences of their actions (within safe boundaries), as this can be a powerful catalyst for real change." This highlights critical learning moments where forced interventions are often bypassed.
Crucially, "Let Them" is always paired with its vital counterpart: "Let Me." This shifts the focus back to the coach's and the individual's active role and intentional choices.
For instance, 'Let them make their own decisions, and let me focus on what I can control: offering unwavering, non-judgmental support, setting healthy professional boundaries, and providing well-researched resources.' This is a clear example of how 'Let Them' and 'Let Me' can work in harmony in a recovery coaching setting.
"Let them stumble, and let me be a consistent, compassionate presence they can return to for guidance and renewed motivation, without shaming or judgment."
Why "Let Them" Is Crucial in Recovery Coaching
The "Let Them" framework offers several compelling benefits for both individuals in recovery and the coach:
Fosters Autonomy and Self-Efficacy: Attempting to overly control or micromanage someone's recovery can ironically breed resentment and resistance, disempowering the individual. By 'letting them,' we communicate a profound trust in their capacity for self-direction and resilience. This approach values their autonomy and self-efficacy, cultivating the internal motivation essential for lasting change. It's about empowering them to take control of their recovery journey, fostering confidence and self-direction.
Reduces Burnout for Coaches and Support Systems: The relentless burden of trying to "fix" another person's addiction is emotionally exhausting and unsustainable. "Let Them" offers a liberating perspective, enabling coaches to let go of immense pressure and maintain their well-being, ultimately leading to healthier, more effective professional relationships.
Embraces the Non-Linear Nature of Recovery: Recovery is rarely a smooth, upward trajectory. Setbacks, relapses, and shifts in motivation are common. 'Let Them' encourages patience and understanding, allowing coaches to navigate these inevitable challenges without viewing them as personal failures or becoming overly prescriptive. It supports a 'progress, not perfection' mindset, fostering patience and understanding among recovery coaches. This shift in perspective can make us feel more compassionate and less judgmental, ultimately enhancing our relationships with individuals in recovery.
Strengthens Boundaries: This approach inherently champions healthy boundaries. Coaches can model and encourage clear limits, defining which responsibilities belong to the individual in recovery and which remain within the coach's scope of practice. This clarity reduces codependency and promotes healthier relational dynamics.
Promotes Acceptance (without condoning): "Let Them" enables coaches to accept the current reality of a situation—for instance, an individual's reluctance to engage in certain recovery activities—without condoning or approving harmful behaviors. It's about meeting the person where they are, rather than where we wish they were.
Practical Applications for Recovery Coaches
Implementing the "Let Them" approach requires a subtle but powerful shift in a coach's methodology:
Alignment with Motivational Interviewing (MI): "Let Them" perfectly complements MI principles, which emphasize respecting peer autonomy, showing empathy, and "rolling with resistance" rather than confronting it directly. Instead of arguing for change, coaches can invite individuals to explore their reasons for change.
Shifting from "Fixer" to "Guide": Adopting "Let Them" involves moving from trying to "fix" the person to guiding them to discover and use their strengths and solutions. The coach acts as a facilitator of inner wisdom.
Emphasizing Personal Responsibility: While providing strong support and resources, coaches can gently emphasize that the ultimate responsibility for recovery lies with the individual. This encourages them to take ownership of their choices and progress.
Navigating Challenges (e.g., relapse): Instead of a frustrated, "You shouldn't have done that," a "Let Them" approach might involve: "You made that choice, and I'm here to help you explore what happened, what you learned, and what steps you want to take next." The focus shifts from judgment to problem-solving and renewed commitment.
The "Let Me" component becomes: "Let them experience the consequence, and let me offer a consistent, non-judgmental path back to recovery."
Educating Families: Recovery coaches who work with parents or loved ones can extend "Let Them" principles to family members, helping them release the often-crippling burden of trying to control their loved one's addiction. This enables families to focus on their self-care, set healthy boundaries, and support the individual without allowing them. Potential Misinterpretations and Caveats. It is vital to clarify what "Let Them" is not: Not an Excuse for Neglect: "Let Them" does not mean abandoning or neglecting individuals in need. It's about how support is delivered—through empowerment and autonomy, not about withdrawing it.
Safety First: In situations involving immediate danger, harm to self or others, or crisis, direct intervention is essential. "Let Them" does not apply when safety is compromised.
The "Let Me" is Active: The "Let Me" component requires the coach to make active, conscious choices to provide strategic support, maintain professional boundaries, and continually assess the individual's needs while respecting their agency. The "Let Them" theory, strengthened by the proactive "Let Me" principle, offers recovery coaches a profoundly effective and compassionate framework for supporting individuals. By letting go of the need to control outcomes and instead focusing on empowering self-direction, coaches can cultivate environments where individuals truly blossom. In recovery, lasting change doesn't come from being forced down a prescribed path, but from the courageous, self-determined steps of those who have been given the space, support, and the fundamental right to choose their journey toward healing.
For more articles by Wes Arnett, please visit https://recovery.com/author/wes-arnett/.
You can also email Wes Arnett at https://www.wesarnett.com/
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