Two Adults Living with Adult-Child Syndrome

May 5, 2025

Kirsten Rabuck, Co-Author & Substance Abuse Counselor (SAC)

Tom O’Connor, Co-Author & Publisher

Topic

Adult-child syndrome (ACS) describes emotional and behavioral patterns in individuals from dysfunctional or abusive families with a parent(s) having a substance use disorder (SUD). Although not a medical diagnosis, ACS highlights challenges faced by these individuals.

ACS is linked to long-term effects of childhood trauma, impacting relationships, careers, mental health, and substance use. While there is no cure, therapy and support groups can help manage symptoms and improve coping skills.

Kirsten Rabuck collaborates with me as a co-author for this issue. She is a substance abuse counselor and an adult child of an alcoholic father, just like me. Together, we draw on our experiences as adult children to help others facing similar challenges.

Additional Information For You

Kirsten Rabuck’s Life Story

According to Kirsten, 

My current journey requires my willingness to process, forgive, and break through the generational cycle of trauma that has been woven into my family tree.

My mother’s marriage to my father was her second. She had three children in her first marriage. My father had two daughters with my mother. I was my father’s first daughter after experiencing two miscarriages, and I am considered a “rainbow baby.” He was very protective of me and would often leave his stepchildren feeling belittled, rejected, and unheard.  

Alcoholic Parent

My father had alcoholism. As a result, he was unpredictable, challenging to understand, and untrustworthy. Throughout my childhood, many boundaries and roles were set for me as I withstood his drunken rationalizations, hurtful comments towards other family members, and conversations where a child's insight was not appropriate or needed. 

I became his daughter, friend, and coworker as he was a business owner, confidant, and mediator. These roles often made me feel hypervigilant and responsible for my father's impact on others.  Many moments while working alongside my father in his business were spent managing his addiction and redirecting his behavior toward others. I felt hopeless, terrified, and full of grief surrounding never getting the opportunity to have the father I knew he could be. This fear stemmed from my father's adamant refusal to be honest regarding his episodes of adultery with men within the 20 years of marriage to my mother. 

Generational Trauma

I studied psychology at a young age to seek an understanding of my father's behavior. As the years went on, I began to see the reality of the repercussions that occur when trauma and sexuality are repressed. I have had years of self-blame associated with “not being good enough,” waiting for my father to be willing to show up and “do the work.” 

In my current professional clinical practice, there have been moments of jealousy when I've witnessed other fathers on their recovery journey. While continuing to utilize ongoing mental health therapy, I have found gratitude in having the privilege to walk alongside my clients in finding acceptance for the roles I took on as an adult child of an alcoholic father. My current journey requires my willingness to process, forgive, and break through the generational cycle of trauma that has been woven into my family tree. This has been an exercise in patience for me, recognizing “what Kirsten needs,” rather than continuing to try to protect my father.

While working with clients of addicted parents, it became clear how prevalent the impact of ambiguous loss is on the process of parentification. Viewing ambiguous loss through a multicultural lens is imperative when understanding how cultural values that are instilled within the family unit impact an adult-child's perception of grieving the various losses of disrupted identity, loss of childhood, and the parent struggling with substance abuse.

Tom O’Connor’s Life Story

I spent much of my adulthood avoiding and escaping my childhood trauma.

I am the eldest son, raised by a father with substance use disorder (SUD) and a mother who enabled his behavior. My younger brother and I experienced nearly daily trauma during our childhood, often being abruptly awakened at night by our mother yelling and hitting my father when he returned home intoxicated. At times, my father was absent, either due to being arrested for driving under the influence (DUI) or because he was away for a week, involved with his girlfriend. On my father's side, this destructive behavior linked to substance use disorder was a generational issue, affecting my father, grandfather, and uncles. The O’Connor men wore their struggles with substance use like badges of honor, proudly acknowledging each other. They enjoyed gathering and celebrating with excessive substance use.

Confronting painful memories was a significant challenge. I spent much of my adulthood avoiding and escaping my childhood trauma. I feared abandonment from everyone, just as my parents had abandoned me. I should have confronted these painful memories as soon as I reached adulthood. It wasn’t until retirement that I took the time to reflect on my traumatic childhood. Through research on children raised by alcoholics, I discovered I had adult child syndrome (ACS).  Recently, a new therapist diagnosed me with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Understanding the trauma I endured as a child is crucial for comprehending my past and current behaviors, and it is now helping me transform my adulthood into a healthier and happier experience.  

Outside Adult-Child Syndrome Research

According to my outside adult-syndrome research, I learned the following:

• In 1984, Dr. Janet G. Woititz, EdD, broke new ground in our understanding of what it is to be an Adult Child of Alcoholics (ACoA). In her research, she identified thirteen characteristics of ACoAs.

  
  

• Research on adverse childhood experiences shows that having a parent with substance use disorder (SUD) or a mental illness is the primary cause of childhood trauma.

  
  

• These parents can go on to physically and/or emotionally abuse and neglect their children, who are at significant risk of developing adult-child syndrome (ACS).

  
  

• Transitioning from adolescence to adulthood presents unique challenges, particularly for those grappling with Adult Child Syndrome (ACS), often observed in Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA).

  
  

• The trauma that lingers for many years into adulthood is that these adults still grapple with fear, anxiety, anger, and self-hatred that live on from their childhood.

  
  

• ACS, while not a clinically recognized mental health disorder, captures the essence of avoiding adult responsibilities and a desire to remain in the adolescent stage.

  
  

• ACS can be pronounced in adult children of alcoholics who may have grown up in environments where mature emotional development was stifled through parents fostering a dysfunctional home environment.

Your Call to Action

According to the Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families World Service Organization (ACA), we utilize the following questions to help identify ourselves as an Adult Child:

• Do I fear authority figures and people who are angry?

• Do I see most forms of criticism as a personal attack?

• Do I have difficulty identifying feelings?

• Do I involve myself in the problems of others?  Do I feel alive during a crisis?

• Do I judge myself without mercy and guess at what is normal?

• Do I recall anyone at my home drinking or taking drugs or being involved in some other behavior that I now believe could be dysfunctional? 

• Did one of my parents make excuses for the other parent’s drinking or other behaviors?

• As an adult, do I feel immature? Do I feel like I am a child inside?

The questions above were taken from “25 Questions: Am I an Adult Child.” Please visit www.adultchildren.org to learn more about adult children.

If you determine you are an adult-child, please take the following action steps.

• Explore ACS literature. The more you read and learn, the greater your understanding. Here are some recommended books on adult child syndrome: Discover Your Adult Child, by Thomas O'Connor, December 4, 2024. The ACoA Trauma Syndrome, by Dr. Tian Dayton, PhD, September 3, 2021. Adult Children of Alcoholics, by Dr. Janet G. Woititz, EdD. November 1, 1990, and Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families by ACOA, January 1, 2006

• Build Emotional Resilience. Engage in therapy or counseling with a trauma specialist, and be open to family sessions. During these sessions, adults can learn about the dysfunctional behaviors they learned during childhood. This awareness can help develop coping skills to help break the cycle of negative behaviors passed down through generations.

• Set Personal Goals. Recovery from childhood trauma is a journey, much like navigating the stages of grief. It's a path where we come to terms with the loss of innocence and the shattering of our once-trusted beliefs.

• Learn Forgiveness. That’s where healing takes a turn. In my last chapter of Discover Your Adult Child, I forgave my father for his substance use disorder (SUD), my mother, my narcissistic, enabling mother, and my brother, whose child survival skills are “The Lost Child” by SUD research with family dysfunction roles.

• Be Accountable. To emotionally grow away from your ACS, you need a therapist, counselor, or life coach to hold you accountable.

Kirsten Rabuck is a Substance Abuse Counselor (SAC) who has been practicing for over three years in a residential substance disorder treatment environment in Wisconsin. She is pursuing a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) credential to further her education. Kirsten is also enrolled in a bachelor’s degree program (BA) in psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh.