What is a Good Man? One Guy's Answers

November 17, 2015

Tim Lineaweaver, Author and Addiction and Recovery Writer

Tom O'Connor, Publisher

Author Tim Lineaweaver is the voice of an adult child who tripped into a substance use disorder and fought for a sustainable recovery. Tim has been published several times on the Vital Voyage Blog. 

Tim is a counselor, writer, and speaker on addiction and trauma-related topics. He's been a therapist for thirty years and is a licensed mental health counselor and alcohol and drug counselor. Tim has written and spoken extensively on addictions, mental health, and relationships, including for radio, newspapers, and the Good Men Project. He has been an adjunct professor at Lesley University and helped form the Cape Cod and Islands Suicide Prevention Coalition. During this time, Tim served as the Project Director for Community Care for Depression, an initiative of the Community Health Centers of Cape Cod, which was featured on the front page of The Boston Globe.

Tim got clean and sober in 1984 and has remained so joyous. Tim lives with his wife, Tessa, who is an accomplished potter. They have three children and four grandchildren. Tim and his wife split their time between Woods Hole, Massachusetts, and Gulfport, Florida.

According to Tim Lineaweaver:

For most of my life, I struggled to understand what it truly means to be a man. My father was an alcoholic writer whose life was marked by irresponsible gunplay, rage, and periods of almost catatonic depression. This was my initial template for manhood—and, sadly, I followed suit, grappling with my addictions, anger, and despair. Through his behavior, I also learned that men believed themselves to be superior to women—that whatever a man did was more important. Women, in his view, were to handle the logistical tasks of running a household, while men's roles were to make money, hunt, fish, drink, and, when the mood struck, to philander.

Growing up, I saw little beyond these societal expectations. The only way I received praise from my father was through athletic success. That became my primary measure of worth and a defining part of my self-concept as a male. Outside of sports, he found me lacking and expressed his displeasure with scathing verbal abuse and kicks, slaps, and punches.

I staggered into my late twenties, having largely destroyed any semblance of a stable, decent life. But I eventually launched myself into sobriety, a commitment I have upheld with unwavering determination. I decided that I didn't want to repeat my father's path, especially since he died at fifty-six, shriven and emaciated, broken from alcoholism.

In sobriety, and through my second marriage and as a father to three children, I have gradually refined my understanding of what it means to be a good man. My conception of manhood has been shaped by trial and error, as well as the stern lessons of experience. While many of these qualities are universal, some are more closely tied to a male perspective. My dedication to my family has been a driving force in this journey.

Read one of Tim's other articles: here.

What I Believe Makes a Good Man

Trustworthiness: A good man is true to his word and accountable to himself and others. If he fails to keep a promise, he takes responsibility. He can be trusted to keep secrets and honor confidences.

Respectful Discipline: A good man doesn't resort to physical punishment. He raises thoughtful, well-mannered children through patience, clear boundaries, consequences, and encouragement without resorting to shaming or abuse.

Loyalty and Fidelity: A good man is committed, faithful, and respectful of his spouse. He honors his union and sees his partner as an equal, not as someone to subjugate, belittle, or control.

Peaceful Conflict Resolution: A good man walks away from fights when possible, recognizing that violence is a last resort. But, if necessary, he can defend himself, his loved ones, or his home without shame.

Loyal Friend: A good man supports his friends, stands up for them, and values loyalty and integrity in his relationships.

Financial Responsibility: He lives within his means, incurs only necessary debt, and uses his resources to support those he cares about.

Valuing Life: He recognizes that life—his own and others'—is precious. He cares for his body, mind, and spirit through good self-care: sleeping well, eating nourishing food, exercising regularly, and maintaining mental clarity.

Humor and Humility: A good man laughs with others—not at them—and can laugh at himself, embracing humility and joy.

Balance: He works diligently but also takes time for leisure and recreation, understanding that a well-rounded life fosters happiness and resilience.

Lifelong Learning: He remains open to growth, seeking knowledge and wisdom wherever he can find it. He loves good ideas and recognizes that they can come from anyone, not just himself.

Facing Challenges: A good man confronts his problems directly, knowing that avoidance only makes things worse. He doesn't cut and run when difficulty arises.

Resilience: Finally, a good man refuses to succumb to despair or negativity. Instead, he looks within to find strength and resilience, choosing to present the best aspects of himself.

Being a good man is an ongoing journey of growth, integrity, and compassion. It's about striving to embody virtues that support not only oneself but others, too. Perseverance, humility, and the willingness to learn and evolve are values that transcend gender and help us become better human beings.

Tim Lineaweaver can be reached at https://www.timlineaweaver.com/

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