Wounds That Don't Heal: The Dirty Truth About Generational Trauma

December 8, 2025

Belinda Morey, Author and Substance Use Disorder Counselor

Tom O'Connor, Publisher

Let's rip the Band-Aid off: "Generational trauma" isn't therapy jargon. It's not a theory. It's the crack in the sidewalk that trips you on your way home, the invisible bruises carved into family photos, the reason someone in your life is always angry, always running, constantly numb.

Here's what it actually looks like, outside the therapist's office:

• You're seven years old, asking why Dad's fists are holes in the wall, and Mom says only, "He gets upset sometimes." 

• You're sixteen, feeling panic when your boyfriend raises his voice because your body remembers—before you do—that love and fear once felt the same. 

• You're twenty-eight, noticing how you flinch at compliments…or never believe them, because trust and sting are twisted up tight in your blood. 

Generational trauma is what happens when pain is passed down like grandma's china, except nobody wants it, and nobody knows what to do with it. Some people inherit money, some people inherit land. Most of us inherit silence, rage, secrets, and the feeling that you have to be "on guard," even in your own home. It's why you yell at your own kid with a voice you swore you'd never use—the same one you heard in your own childhood, and your parents heard in theirs.

It's in your family's inside jokes that always cut a little too deep, in the birthday where everyone's smiling but your uncle can't stop drinking, in the way nobody hugs, or everyone hugs but nobody ever asks, "How are you really?" 

This isn't about "bad families" or "messed up people." It's about all of us. Trauma shows up in middle-class homes behind drawn curtains, in the houses where the grass is never cut, in proud immigrant families, in communities scarred by violence and poverty, in so-called "normal" towns with good schools and fancy Facebook albums. This shit is everywhere, and it's hiding in plain sight.

Ghosts in Our Bloodline: What Generational Trauma Looks Like

You don't have to look far to see generational trauma in action. Sometimes it's an obvious punch in the teeth—a cycle of abuse, addiction, loss, or violence with a return address stamped two or three generations back. But sometimes it's sneaky. Sometimes it's a family that can't say "I love you" out loud, or a father who can't look his son in the eye, or a grandmother who jokes about "tough love" and means it, because her own was nothing but.

Real-World Case Stories (Because Theory Doesn't Bleed)

Case Story #1: The Inheritance Nobody Wants

Shannon, 34, remembers her mom telling her, "Don't trust anyone with your secrets—they'll use them against you." She laughed it off until she heard herself repeating it to her own daughter, after a fight at school. Shannon's mom learned it from her dad—a man who did two tours in Vietnam, came back shattered, and couldn't hug his kids without flinching. Three generations joking about trust, but never trusting anyone. Secrets passed down quietly, like a broken wrist that never healed right.

Case Story #2: The Silence of the Rooms

There's a saying in Francisco's family: "What happens in this house, stays in this house." Francisco, 41, remembers as a kid watching his mom shrink smaller every time his dad came home drunk. He learned not to make noise, to tiptoe, to disappear. Now, his own son, Leo, gets jumpy when voices get raised—even if nobody's mad. Leo's teachers say he "zones out." Francisco knows he's not zoning out—he's memorizing exits, just like his old man.

Case Story #3: A Whole Lineage of Loss (Native American Community)

Everett is 57, raising his four grandkids on the Northern Plains. His daughter is lost to meth, his son to the penitentiary. He grew up hearing stories about his grandma's time at a boarding school: no language, no family, no safety.

Now, being "the parent" again, he feels haunted by what happened to his family but doesn't know how to stop history from repeating itself. He wants to give love, but what he's got chiefly is fear—a fear he passes on, without meaning to, every time he lays down another rule or locks the door at night.

Case Story #4: Incarceration by Design

Jenna grew up in foster care while her mom cycled in and out of jail. The state relocated her eight times before she was fifteen, always with trash bags serving as her suitcases.

Jenna's earliest memories are of goodbyes: her mother promising this time it would be different, a string of "temporary" caregivers, and a parade of teachers asking what was wrong with her.

Now, at twenty-four, with a five-year-old of her own, Jenna wonders how to offer stability when all she knows is goodbye.

Case Story #5: The Subtle Poison of Perfection

Marcus's family looked shiny from the outside—dad in finance, mom at PTA, big house, family photos at Disneyland. But Marcus remembers: as a kid, joy meant danger. Laughter was always cut off with, "Keep it down or the neighbors will talk." He learned to win awards and hide feelings. When Marcus came out in college, his mother's silence was worse than any slur.

He's 30 now, in therapy, realizing that the fear of "causing shame" is why he stopped going home for the holidays, why he never feels "enough."

From Our Parents to Us to Our Kids: The Trickledown

If you survived a home where silence was usual, where anger simmered under the surface, or where everyone walked on eggshells—congrats, you're breathing generational trauma.

If you grew up afraid to disappoint, or trained to shut down feelings ("boys don't cry," "don't air the family laundry"—pick your poison), that's generational trauma, too. Sometimes it's not a gaping wound; it's a slow drip, a chronic ache that makes you fearful, jumpy, hyper-vigilant, or emotionally constipated.

Your parents learned their lessons from their parents, maybe about violence, maybe about shame, maybe just about how to survive. If they did the best they could, sometimes that "best" comes with wounds they don't even know they're bleeding from.

How the Cycle Keeps Turning

Here's the sick joke: trauma loves secrecy. The more you keep it quiet, the more power it has. Ever wonder why the same arguments, patterns, or weird silences play out in your family, even as everyone gets older and "moves on?"

It's because the cycle keeps feeding itself:

• Parents hurt by their own absence or abuse grow up protective, but can't teach love without fear.

• Shame (for not having enough, for being "too emotional," or for being "weak") gets hardwired into the next generation through silence or sarcasm—never through direct words.

• Grief untreated turns into numbness or rage or drinking or working until your knuckles bleed.

In Native communities, the generational wounds of colonization and forced assimilation play out now as addiction, suicide, violence, and mass incarceration. Incarcerated parents lead to kids raised in foster care, grandparent homes, or no homes at all—passing down abandonment and mistrust as family heirlooms.

*If you are enjoying this article, you might also like Belinda's piece on Triggers.

The Ugly, Covert, and Unavoidable Reality

Most of this never gets said aloud. That's how it passes so quietly.

A father sits stoned and silent on the couch—his own father was drunk and violent, so he's decided, "at least I'm not him." However, being absent from your child is just another form of absence.

A mother shrieks every time the house isn't perfect because she grew up hearing, "If people knew, they'd take you away." So her kids learn to hide, control, and please.

A child grows up never seeing a healthy relationship, so "love" becomes something to survive, not something to want.

Trauma isn't just what happened to you—it's what your body, your heart, your family does because of what happened to your parents, their parents, and so on.

The cycle is brutal, and the worst part? You can walk right past it and never know unless you stop and look for it.

What Does This Mean for Our Kids?

Every unspoken fear, every survival rule, every broken promise—kids soak it up. The scariest thing about generational trauma isn't just that it hurts us; it sets the rules for the next generation, whether we see it or not.

Case Story #6: The Child Who Carries Too Much

Sierra, 11, is "the caretaker" for her little brother and their mom, who survived years of abuse and now spends most days in bed, lost in her own storm. Sierra knows how to make ramen, pack lunches, pay the Wi-Fi, and find mom's pills when she can't remember.

Her teachers say she's "mature for her age." What they don't see: Sierra's constant headache, her fear that if she says the wrong thing to the wrong adult, she'll be separated from everyone she loves. Inside, she already believes it's her job to hold the world up, and she's terrified of dropping it.

Case Story #7: The Kid on the Edge

TJ is 13 and angry all the time—at school, on the street, at home. His dad's locked up again. His mom says, "We don't talk about that here." Nobody asks TJ why he blows up, so he learns to punch walls, rip notebooks, and get suspended. No one traces his rage back to the tight-lipped family dinners, or the way grownups avoid his eyes when his dad's mugshot flashes on the news.

He'll tell you, "I don't care." He's lying. He does. He doesn't know what to do with it.

Case Story #8: The Child Inherited by Worry

Ella's the daughter of two trauma survivors—her mom, who grew up hiding bruises, and her dad, who never learned how to sit with sadness without running from it. Ella's only eight, and she already chews her nails bloody, wakes up sweating from dreams she can't remember, and scans the faces of adults to check if the world is safe.

No one hit her. No one screamed in her face. But her parents' fear sits in her chest like a brick.

What's the Fallout?

Kids learn early: love can be conditional, dangerous, or absent.

• They learn to either disappear emotionally or overperform for approval. 

• They learn to hide pain, to keep secrets, to never ask for help. 

• They learn sometimes that the hurt they feel is "normal." 

• They grow up in bodies and brains wired for stress—higher risk for addiction, anxiety, depression, trust issues, or dropping out before hope ever gets a foothold.

The Cycle Worsens

Our decisions—walked out a million times a day in quiet, unseen ways—become their blueprint. Some kids mirror the pain as self-destruction. Others turn numb. Some pledge to be the "cycle-breaker"… and then snap one day, floored by triggers they never saw coming.

So What the Hell Do We Do About It? (More Than "Think Positive")

Breaking the cycle of generational trauma isn't dramatic. It's messy. It almost always starts too small to notice.

But small is where hope lives.

Case Story #9: Naming the Pain, Even If It Hurts

Angela, 50, is a grandmother raising her daughter's baby. She takes a risk one night after dinner and tells a story nobody has ever told out loud—about how she was beaten as a kid, about being afraid of her father's footsteps on the porch. Her granddaughter listens, wide-eyed, and suddenly the shame—at least some of it—shifts off both of them. The next day, her granddaughter scribbles her own hurt down in a notebook, quietly starting her own truth-telling.

Case Story #10: The Hardest "No"

Marcus, now a father to twins, catches himself barking at his daughter over spilled milk and then stops mid-sentence. He chokes down the shame and says, "I'm sorry, that wasn't your fault. I reacted like that because my dad used to scare me when I made messes. It's not okay, and it stops with me."

It feels awkward, sticky, even humiliating. But it plants a seed: his daughter hears that mistakes are allowed, and that apologies mean something.

Case Story #11: Real Help, Real Change

Tina is 19 and the first in her family to go to therapy. Her family calls her "dramatic" for spilling family secrets to strangers. Still, Tina keeps going because nobody else has ever given her a safe space to cry, scream, or even laugh about how weird families can be.

Slowly, the change seeps outward: her little brother asks if he can talk to her therapist, too. Her mom starts reading books on how trauma changes the brain. The chain rattles. Something begins to shift.

Solid, Realistic Steps for Breaking the Cycle

1. Speak the Truth Aloud. Someone, somewhere, needs to say it first. It doesn't matter if your voice shakes. Truth breaks the cycle of secrecy.

2. Ask Questions, Even If You Don't Get Answers. Curiosity about where it all started is how people learn, and sometimes it's the only thing that gives pain less power.

3. Learn (and Teach) What a Boundary Is. You'll probably feel guilty. You'll want to backpedal. Don't. Protecting yourself isn't abandoning your family—it's saving generations.

4. Reach for Help (It's Not Weakness). Therapy, support groups, spiritual communities—find someone who listens without judgment, even if that person isn't your family.

5. Rage, Cry, Write, Move. Grief doesn't leave until it finds a new place to go. Move your pain out of your body. Paint, run, cook, cry, sing, smash things safely—channel it.

Case Story #12: Starting With A Small Crack

Ruben's dad never hugged him as a kid. Hugs were "for sissies." Now, Ruben finds himself staring at his own son, wanting to reach out but frozen by old rules. One night, he forces himself. It's awkward. They both stand stiff. But after a few seconds, his son hugs him back—more complicated than he expected. Ruben cries in the garage, quietly, out of sight.

It is small, but it is real.

Call to Action: Be The Generation That Talks

If you've seen yourself, your parents, or your kids in any of this, break the silence here—leave a comment, message, or even speak the unspeakable out loud to yourself tonight.

Tell one true story. Ask one brave question. Offer your child one apology or honest hug, even if it feels ridiculous—the future hinges on these tiny rebellions.

Our kids deserve at least the truth—even if we don't yet know how to fix all the old wounds.

---

You can contact Belinda at: progressisprogressmilormil@gmail.com

You can read Belle's articles at https://progressisprogress.substack.com/

If you enjoyed this article, 

Please forward to a friend or colleague who might benefit from it!