What Is An Adult-Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA)

July 28, 2026

By Tom O'Connor

As I wrote in my book "Discover Your Adult Child: Survival Skills With An Alcoholic Parent," I wrote in Chapter 6  that an adult child of an alcoholic, known clinically as an ACOA, still feels the fear, anxiety, anger, and self-hatred that lives on from their childhood. Adult children may retain old coping systems and behaviors that leak out in adulthood.

Born Actor as an ACOA

ACOAs, like all children, relied on their parents’ approval as they grew up. Alcoholic parents stunted their children's emotional need for parental love. Once they are adults, many of those children continue to seek validation from others.

That resulted in my dual role as an actor outside our family. Because of my father's alcoholism, I wanted everyone to validate me. I wanted to be the child my teachers, coaches, teammates, neighbors, friends, and clients liked.

Therefore, I became an actor every time I left my house. Even after seventy-plus years of acting, I sometimes put on my costume when I go outdoors.

As an adult-child, I still focus on people-pleasing, approval-seeking, controlling behavior, and harsh judgment of self and others. I may be moody and easily frustrated in our home with my wife and two dogs, but I always exhibit a carefree, happy, friendly, and humorous demeanor outside with the neighbors.

Born To Run

I started as a child to flee from my alcoholic father and an enabling mother. Running became my exit strategy from my parents. My first desire to run away from home was at age ten after a yelling and screaming match between my drunken father and furious mother. At 3:00 AM, when everyone except me was asleep, I quietly unlocked the front door and ran without thinking of clothing, money, or food. I got as far as the back of the town firehouse, where we had summer carnivals, and decided I couldn't leave my little brother in our bedroom's twin bed behind. I slowly walked home, let myself in quietly, and climbed back into bed. No one was the wiser.

Junior High School "Born to Run” Strategy Begins

During junior high school, I most enjoyed learning to play percussion. Our band director taught me how to play the snare, cymbals, and bass drum in concerts and marching in town parades.

My most memorable performance in this band was on both concert nights in our school’s auditorium. On those concert dates, all band members had to remain to practice from school dismissal up to concert time.

My mother and brother attended both my seventh- and eighth-grade band concerts. I was surprised, disappointed, embarrassed, and hurt that my father never attended. He elected to continue drinking into a drunken state at local bars instead of watching me play.

During junior high school, my mother and father told me they had no money saved for me to go to college after high school. I was told that, instead of attending college, I had to follow his journey: first serving in the military, then becoming a sheet-metal worker just like him.

High School College Strategy

I wanted to go to college directly after high school. As a freshman in high school, I spent many summers with my father, working as his helper to save for my future college education. He continually bragged to his boss that he was training me to follow him as a sheet metal worker upon high school graduation. I assisted him by climbing ladders at houses and businesses, or onto a church’s roof. After climbing the ladder, I helped my father tar and install shingles on the roof. That was rigorous work with the threat of heat exhaustion during those hot summer days. During one of those hot and humid summer afternoons, my father's boss appeared while we were working on the high steeple roof of a church, repairing damaged slate along the belfry and spire. I had no mechanical skills, but didn't mind heights. After we completed our work, we climbed down the ladder and met my father's boss. He shook my hand and said, "Tommy, you can always have a full-time job working as a sheet metal apprentice in my company." I smiled back and thanked him for his kind job offer. But silently vowed that was not going to happen.

I knew I had to earn a full academic and/or athletic scholarship. Before my first year, I started running on the roads from my home to my high school and back, covering a 5-mile round trip. During the early 1960s, only a few kids, never adults, would be seen running on the roads between my home and high school. 

My road-running training experience included drivers trying to run me off the road. Some drivers drove behind me on the side of the road, close on my heels, to scare me. These drivers would lower their side windows, bullying and shouting at me to "Get off my road!" Some drivers would throw bottles, cans, and food at me. Despite these incidents, I persevered, and the abuse slowly diminished as these drivers got used to seeing me on my daily morning run.

When I was a high school sophomore, I began running track and cross-country. My high school best friend, Terry, a fellow running partner, started training together every morning before school. We quickly became two outstanding local high school runners, making all-county and all-state teams.

On To College

During high school, my parents made fun of me running in shorts year-round and never attended any of my track and cross-country races. Their absence fueled my drive to earn a full track scholarship to college. If there was a race to get accepted into a college, I was the first in my high school's senior class to be accepted in October 1965. Out of three full-ride scholarship offers, I accepted Bradley University in Illinois over TCU in Texas and Holy Cross in Massachusetts. I was not surprised but highly disappointed that my father and mother never congratulated me on earning a full scholarship to attend Bradley University.

If you are curious to see how my arduous journey becoming an adult-child works out, please visit my website at https://www.discoveryouradultchild.com/ to learn more about me, to read more blog posts, and to purchase one of my books.